Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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