we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
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Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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