FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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