And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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