um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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