My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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