I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
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Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize