laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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