based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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