i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
NoShamevember. You game?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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