i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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