You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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