I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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