i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
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what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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