So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize