I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
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I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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