Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
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That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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