I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
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I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
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Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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