my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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