dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
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Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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