you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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