My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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