Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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