It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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