I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
People in love make me want to vomit
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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