GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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