I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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