Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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