I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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