I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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