last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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