I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
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We left the knife in your bed.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
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Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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