I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize