Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
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turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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