my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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