She is in my trunk
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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