Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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