Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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