I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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