You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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