After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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