My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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