just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
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