I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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The police scanner is talking about you again....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
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I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize