His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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