my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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