apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize