1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
why is half of my head shaved?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize