So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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