i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
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The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
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